top of page

Captivity of Sometimes

I am sometimes afraid to be imperfect. I am sometimes afraid to acknowledge my thoughts… God can sometimes be a wrathful God, or can He? Sometimes I want to talk to myself without Him seeing my words or hearing my thoughts. But, He can actually read what I am writing right now. So, I will admit. I am imperfect. And I struggle with imperfect thoughts. I do submit and I am waiting and I do believe. But years of unanswered prayers have created a complex of entangled thoughts that are sometimes hard to unravel. Sometimes fear wins. Sometimes doubt doesn’t dissipate as easily as it entered. Sometimes the past becomes your present. And sometimes you can’t escape the thoughts that kidnap you. Literally trapping you. Enclosing you. So you pray your way back to freedom. Sometimes the fear of expressing the not-so-pretty part of faith is actually what causes, enhances and employs captivity and bondage. Bondage feasts on isolation. Because when you are alone in your deeply spiraling thoughts of “what ifs”, bondage laughs in merriment knowing that your thoughts are misplaced and misguided. And sometimes that’s all bondage needs to breathe. So, while I am consciously aware and sometimes make the same mistakes, I also take pride in choking out bondage and discarding its remains into the abyss of self-pity and the dreadful road called the shallowness of faith. That’s the tricky part about consciousness. The more aware you are, the more responsible you should become. The more you know, seemingly leads to the more you grow. But sometimes, it just doesn’t work out that way. Sometimes, you sit in consciousness, knowledge and understanding and still fall victim to failure. How is it that awareness doesn’t always breed unwavering faith. How is it that sometimes the very knowledge you possess strangles the concept of waiting until waiting no longer breathes life into you, instead you view waiting as a thief in the night desiring to rob you of your impending joy. Crazy right. Sometimes you create your own timeline. You start forging when its time for the delivery of your blessing. Is that faith expectance or faith selfishness. I am still playing around with the notion of expectance and patience. I have not mastered either. So, I sit here in my imperfections. Writing and documenting my faith-filled imperfections. Where will this lead me. My goal? Freedom. I want to be free and filled with faith, not sometimes but always.

bottom of page