I thought I saw you.
I thought it was you.
I saw glimpses of you in others.
I thought it was your jokes, because I laughed so hard.
I thought I saw you at the beach as I fell asleep under the stars.
I thought I saw you on the ferris wheel as I overlooked the city. Maybe you were trying to be seen but in reality only remnants of your presence could be felt, simply a fading shadow remained.
I thought I saw you in my anxiousness as I contemplated the costs of love and war. I thought your promise of forever meant that you would never leave, only to learn it was simply a coward claiming to be you. Could it have been your voice praying over me? Perhaps it was a ghost pretending to have your soul.
I thought I saw you lurking behind the crevices of my heart longing to touch you, but you always seemed to be close, yet so far away. It seemed as if our embrace filled with feelings of safety and calmness was your sign telling me it was you, however it was a false sense of security knocking at my door.
Your voice boomed with frustration and impatience, so I figured I’d work overtime to make your heart whole. Only to discover my work could not save anyone, other than myself.
You applied for the job and later realized you weren’t qualified, but since it was you, I made accommodations and adjustments to accept you and tried to learn how to love all of you, only to learn it wasn’t you after all who applied.
I use to find solace in your adventurous personality until I realized it was masked bravado packaged as joy.
I thought I saw you in all the places that held space for my vulnerabilities, deep conversations and faith-filled exchanges but it was simply crumbs masquerading around as loaves.
I thought I saw you in my soul and in my heart and in my prayers, but it was a lesson wrapped as a blessing.
I thought I read your texts because the words were so promising and endearing.
I thought I saw you in the daze of my thoughts drifting off info my future.
I thought I saw you on the pages of my journal, but instead it was a season of preparation.
You hid behind the tears and fears of the unknowing and protected me from a future of wrongness and gave me my future back.
It was you all along guiding me and helping me to navigate my way through the courses of vulnerability, wading around the mountains and valleys of communication, and finally finding my way to passion and security, wholeness and joy.
It was through the darkness of your shadow, that I can now appreciate your light.
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