Spiraling Waves of Pain.

I didn't pray for 2 weeks. I didn't even want the comfort of prayer to silence my spiraling thoughts. Positive reassurance annoyed me, and clichés simply insulted me. God's promise no longer comforted me, and the present state confused me. I was disillusioned into thinking it was my time, and when reality set in that it was simply an experience for me versus my new reality, my smile was shattered, and I was left with a silent ache that was deeper than heartbreak, and my faith shook for a moment in time. My heart didn't have anywhere to run. My heart was the place I had packed all of my smiles and my blessings and my love and now it was filled with hurt, and it had no space for me and my emotional distress. It was simply 'at capacity'.  When you don't know what to do, all you can do is be still. Sometimes my heart is racing, and sometimes my heart feels nothing. Sometimes my heart feels heavy, like it has a lump on the inside. Sometimes it hurts and it aches, and sometimes it rejoices. Sometimes it is happy for the future sadness it escaped and for past joys it experienced. Carry yourself with class, my conscience says. Carry yourself with grace.